Lying Media Bastards

January 25, 2008

They Just Won’t Die!

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Despite being forced from government service, prominent neocons– who as you’ll recall, have been wrong about ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING– keep fucking returning from the political grave. At the very, VERY least, these men should be laughingstocks, colossal jokes, branded as buffoons on par with Dan Quayle. AT LEAST.

But preferably they’d be in prison awaiting their war crimes tribunals, or dropped off in downtown Fallujah to explain to the Iraqi people how grateful they should be to America.

First unexpected resurrection: Donald Rumsfeld. Apparently this week, old Uncle Skeletor spoke at some defense industry conference arguing that the US government needed a new agency to win the hearts and minds of the Muslim world by explaining to them that they are wrong and we are right. Because who are you gonna believe, the cluster bomb crater down the street, or some Republican operative in Langley posting to your local messageboard about the danger of Muslamic-o-facists?

Next up: Paul Wolfowitz. After stepping down as Deputy Secretary of Defense, Wolfowitz moved slantwise into a new position as president of the World Bank (a prestigious institution that purports* to help Third World countries with hefty development loans, but usually uses their financial leverage to break those countries open for privatization and foreign plunder). Hilariously, Wolfowitz made fighting corruption the centerpiece of his World Bank policies– and then was forced to resign when it was discovered that he had used his influence to get his girlfriend (who then worked for the World Bank as well) a cushy job at the State Department.

But, we find out today that Wolfowitz is bouncing back nicely, being appointed head of the State Department’s International Security Advisory Board, “which provides the department with independent advice on arms control and disarmament.” I think Wolfie’s definition of “arms control” is “neat handwriting on the checks you send to weapons manufacturers”.

And finally, John Bolton. He hasn’t been offered any spiffy new job since being canned as the most anti-UN ambassador to the UN, but he gets quoted in the media all the damn time! What the fuck is up with that? Motherfucker has been wrong about EVERYTHING, he’s CLEARLY a partisan operative with a hard-on for leveling Tehran, Havana and Caracas. If I was president of the Candymaker’s Association, and I told the press that candy was delicious, THAT WOULD NOT BE NEWS. But John Bolton tells the NYT that we’ve got to ram a cruise missile down Ahmadinejad’s windpipe and he gets headlines.

Sadly, neocons appear to be karma-proof.

* I can’t believe I used the word “purports”.

Posted by Jake on January 25, 2008 9:36 am

January 13, 2008

Missing Perspective

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First of all, I simply cannot fully express my astonishment regarding coverage of the presidential elections. Commenter “Dead Civilian” is right, the elections are all rigged, and no matter what you want, you’re going to get a pro-corporate American imperialist for president. But the tidal wave of conversation, predictions and irrelevant analysis of hyperexaggerated non-events is blowing my mind. Even on its own terms, this news reporting is a travesty of a circus of a farce. Matt Taibbi has a few choice words on the subject.

But I was actually glad of the braying racket this week, because it helped muffle a story that had the potential to set us back on course for Cheney’s Glorious War Against Iran. You know the story, the one where some Iranian national guard speedboats got kinda close to some American warship boats, and somebody with a radio somewhere said some menacing things that, when combined together and doused with American paranoia, could have looked like a near-suicide attack by evil fanatics. And sadly, as though several decades of lies from the Pentagon was not a reason to show skepticism, the media aired the story with full military spin intact: those dangerous Iranians almost killed good, innocent, noble, sexy Americans, with no provocation whatsoever. And as all good Americans know, if someone tries to pick a fight with you, you have no choice but to drop several thousand tons of explosives on civilians from that same country. Cuz if you don’t, you’ll look like a pussy.

The most insane part of this barely newsworthy story, is that the Iranian behavior was repeatedly tagged as “provocative,” the Iranians were trying to provoke a fight. Which may or may not be true, I’m not sure. But you know what’s more provocative? Parking two aircraft carriers, dozens of fighter jets, and a series of battleships armed with cruise missiles off the coast of a nation you routinely and publicly discuss invading.

And if you say “that’s a good point”, you’re wrong. That’s a really, really obvious point. A point that should have occurred to every journalist and every news-watching American who heard this tale. If Iran had a few aircraft carriers off the cost of Florida, it’d be like Cuban Missile Crisis II. But we put some aircraft carriers 30 miles from the Iranian coast, and that’s no big deal. Cuz we’re America, we’re allowed to put our guns and planes and tanks anywhere, and all the other people of the world should be fine with that, cuz America Is Good.

Somehow we Americans have been blinded to our bizarre, global military omnipresence. We have military bases in dozens of countries around the world. That’s really weird, if you think about it. We’d boil with anger if some other country tried to set up a military base on our soil, but we expect everyone else to be totally fine when we build our GI Joe Rocket Command Center(tm) down the street from their kid’s elementary school. It’s all a part of the ubiquitous. unconscious American supremacist mindset that afflicts so many of this country’s citizens. It’s a theme I’ll be coming back to regularly.

Ironically, these manufactured scenarios of conflict and fear not only help bolster the war supporters in the US, but the hardliners and repressive elements of Iran as well. Every saber rattled by George W. makes the Iranian public edge a little closer to fellow powermonger Ahmadinejad (who, I’m always having to remind people, is not the leader of Iran. Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei is the leader of Iran, Ahmadinejad is just the president, a subordinate position to Khamenei’s). So all the back and forth snarling and snapping helps keep the hawks and mullahs in power, and the military industrial complex keeps on rolling.

Posted by Jake on January 13, 2008 11:04 pm

January 3, 2008

The Votes Are In

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Just a quick reminder to anyone keeping a close eye on the current and coming presidential primaries:

No one knows who is going to win.

The TV will be filled with experts and pundits and historians and analysts who will try to discuss all the possibilities and ramifications and other intriguing theoreticals, but not a single one of them has a fucking clue how all this will shake out. None of them, not one. Of course, that won’t stop them from musing, pontificating, and arguing about it till your eyes turn to paste, but your guess about who will win is literally as good as theirs.

It’s ludicrous. A nation of fully-grown adults have to collectively pretend that this is reasonable, spending massive amounts of time and money so a bunch of people can make endless predictions with little evidence and no consequence.


Satirist/blogger Jon Swift properly nails the post-Iowa analysis.

Posted by Jake on January 3, 2008 11:36 pm

January 2, 2008

Funny Cuz It’s Semantically True

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From The Onion:

Giuliani To Run For President Of 9/11

(doh, looks like this is an old article I just noticed now…)

Posted by Jake on January 2, 2008 9:36 am

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