Lying Media Bastards

May 30, 2005

I Bent My Wookie

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Sorry folks, I keep getting the urge to write a lengthy article about Star Wars, the prequel trilogy, and Episode III. I think the only way I’m going to get past this is to cut to the chase and get my core criticism up in print. Then it’ll all go away. Yes, I am a geek. Shut up.

I really don’t see how Lucas managed to fuck this up. This second trilogy was supposed to all about the fall of Anakin Skywalker, how a seemingly good guy became the Lord of Evil and Invisible Choking. That concept really intrigued me.

And it didn’t seem like it would be that difficult. I mean, Lucas was only going to have to hit like four main points to connect the dots up to the prior trilogy:

- Anakin becomes a Jedi
- Anakin has kids
- Anakin becomes Darth Vader
- all the Jedi get slaughtered

Lucas gave himself three movies to hit those notes, 6+ hours of screen time. Yet for some reason, he fills it up with crap, and hurriedly throws all those key points into the final film.

Granted, Lucas’ decision to include the transformation of The Republic into The Empire ate up a lot of reel. But still: the Trade Federation? Pod racing? Midichlorions? R2D2 and C-3PO? The weird democratically-elected geisha queen? Jar-Jar? Clones and Jango Fett and Senate votes and Count Dooku* (truly one of the most poorly named villains ever)?

No, I wanted to see the tale of the seduction and corruption of a Jedi. It could either have been about a good man who’s spark of internal darkness was fanned into a flame of cold evil, or about a good man manipulated and used so expertly that he never noticed that he was on the road to damnation.

But no. We got CG Yoda fights and Jar-Jar stepping in animal poop.

And for fuck’s sake, the reason for Anakin’s fall is so pathetic! He has a vision that his pregnant wife will die in childbirth, and the Emporer says that he knows some Force Magic that will protect her. Don’t they have C-sections in your logn ago, far away galaxy? Or what about an abortion? Just think, maybe if their obstetrics were a little more advanced, maybe there wouldn’t have been an empire or Darth Vader.


I’m just glad that just as I had a moving, moralistic, feel-good fantasy epic growing up, that so do young people today. It’s called The Lord of the Rings.

There. I feel cleansed.

*At the very least, this trilogy could have been vastly improved by not killing off Darth Maul in the first film. Seriously, he was a mysterious, bad-ass creation. In the second two prequels, they introduce second-in-command baddies Count Dooku and General Greivous. Why have either? They could’ve kept Darth Maul.

Hell, that could’ve made for an intriguing and even somewhat plausible explanation for Anakin joining the Dark Side. Darth Maul goes around killing and destroying, Anakin gets crazed for revenge but can’t beat the red & black guy. He gets all filled with rage and hate, the Emporer-in-Disguise teaches Anakin some Dark Tricks to defeat Darth Maul, and presto! Maybe a non-sucky trilogy.

Posted by Jake on May 30, 2005 10:13 pm

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