Lying Media Bastards

February 26, 2005

Sometimes the Jokes Just Write Themselves

Hee hee.

“Tom Ridge, you just spent three years as the head of America’s Department of Homeland Security! What are you doing now?”

“I’m going to Home Depot!”

Yes, after years of political scaremongering and whatever the hell else he did as America’s Security Czar, Tom Ridge is now leaving the ranks of our brave defenders to join the board of directors of a popular American construction supplies store.

But is Tom Ridge really qualified for this position? Will he use his knowledge of security issues to help build the company’s home security alarm section? Or perhaps he’ll train their human resources department to round up all the Arab-American employees and lock them in a tool shed?

I think my money is on “we just want to reward Ridge for skyrocketing our sales of plastic sheeting and duct tape by recommending it to a jittery nation.”

But more history-savvy readers might think back even farther and say “wait a minute, how was Ridge qualified for his previous position, as Security Secretary? Before this, he was just governor of Pennsylvania.” This is a valid concern, but you’ve got to remember that in the face of Islamic terrorism, Ridge brought his years of experience dealing with the Keystone State’s own fundamentalist extremists: the Amish.

The good news is that Ridge is not out of the government and can’t hurt us anymore. The bad news is that BushCo. has a track record of replacing bad guys with worse guys. Actually, given Bush’ penchant for cronyism and loyalty, I’m thinking that he’s going to appoint one of his daughters (his wife, as you’ll recall, will be too busy telling poor kids in the ghetto that they need to quit their life of gangs and violence and join the army).

Posted by Jake on February 26, 2005 10:41 pm

1 Comment »

  1. What they don’t tell you is that he’s also developing a colour coded system to target the high rolling repeat customers, and have a personalized, live-in greeter torment them 24 hours a day, before declaring them a security risk and having them shipped off to a Tijiuana jail cell for not using their Home Depot card to purchase more GOP memberships. Ahhh progress.

    Comment by pjr — February 27, 2005 @ 9:51 pm

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